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Parenting is a feat. In different senses: moral, everyday and (let's be honest) financial. But even heroes make mistakes, so now it's not about small children's grievances.

Sometimes the actions of the parents go beyond the usual care. websiteplucking up the courage to touch on a sensitive topic. Here are the main signs that the boundaries of personal space need to be protected from the closest people.

12. In the parental home, the concept of "personal belongings" never existed

Since childhood, you are accustomed to revising your pockets, bags, closet. Favorite things could suddenly be transferred to relatives and friends. Or end up in the trash can. The air was constantly in the air "Nothing of yours is here".

You can't fix the past. The habit of ignoring other people's boundaries has taken root long ago - it will be difficult to uproot it. But it's never too late to start living by their rules. On its territory. With their things and budget.

11. Parents sabotage "flying chicks out of the nest"

Child-owning parents challenge logic. Even yesterday, they could say that they are spending too much energy on caring for an adult son / daughter. But as soon as the "freeloader" wants to live independently, the parents organize a protest.

What to do? Express gratitude for the "investment" in your person. And then collect the will into a fist and still decide to escape the move. In order not to provoke countermeasures, shield your parents from details. Save up the required amount, look for housing, and then announce the result.

10. Separate housing does not guarantee privacy

Relatives can provide insurance on departure: feed the cat and save the beloved ficus from drought. This is usually called mutual assistance. But if the parents come suddenly and carry out an audit in the apartment, this is already an occupation.

Stand up for the right to privacy... Start with calm conversations. Drastic measures - change locks and pretend to be dead to talk in an ultimatum. Did you manage to rent a house near your home nest? Change the point of deployment. At least to another area. Yes, it may be inconvenient, but:

• excuses in the style “walked by - wanted to say hello” are no longer relevant;
• you will have another reason not to run to your parents at the first call.

9. All your resources are accounted for and allocated

Your free time, salary, living space - your parents "know best" how to manage it all. "Give", "do", "there is nothing to buy garbage", "let Aunt Klava spend the night" ... Ah-ah!

Response actions... Of course, if you yourself cannot do without the help of your parents, there is nothing to talk about. We'll have to meet Aunt Klava. In other cases, it's time discuss the degree of personal involvement in the life of relatives.

8. Parents are trying to eliminate rivals

Parents are ready to "reject" any person for whom you have sympathy. Paradox: after the series "N you are not a match" lonely children will suddenly require grandchildren... They will also be reproached for failures in the family-building field.

How to react? Remember point # 11. The minimum of details is the maximum of sanity. However, if the parents saw a photo of the chosen one / tsy in the "Maniac Wanted" section, take action. well and ignore minor nit-picks.

7. Your well-being is at stake

Fearful of losing control over you, parents go to great lengths. "It's better to live badly, but close by", - this is their motto. Your overseas internships, moving to a more developed city, changing jobs are at risk.

How can I help myself? Stop pretending to be a captured partisan. Have a conversation. And after declaring your intentions, bring what you started to the end. Let your parents know that you are not planning on leaving them. There just comes a time when you need to cross over to your territory.

6. Parental support is expensive

Gratitude is a normal response to parental help. Requirements are another matter express this gratitude in incomparable volumes... For example, 10 times to lose consciousness from delight over a jar of jam.

How to solve the problem? If you want independence - show it in everything... Do not shift your worries to your parents anymore, so as not to give cause for reproach. Accepted help - thank you. Even the kindest parents are unfair to demand anything without offering anything in return.

5. Your plans are ignored

Alarming symptom: you can discuss your schedule at least 100 times - it's useless. Parents see you as 24/7 support.

For as long as I can remember, it ticks terribly inside me. Since it is ticking, firstly, I am a little afraid that one day it will explode; secondly, it worries me both night and day - what is ticking. And I cannot do something leisurely, and I treat people who are leisurely from distrust to rejection

Veronica VALLEY:

"THE BEST THAT A FATHER CAN DO FOR CHILDREN IS TO LOVE THEIR MOTHER"

Have Veronica Dolina - the author, composer and performer of her songs, the number of which is impossible to count, ten CDs and a damn dozen books have been released. At the same time, she is a mother of four children and a woman to some extent aloof, which, quite possibly, helps her raise children without interrupting creativity.

But Veronica, meanwhile, is quite specific: answering questions, listening to herself, to that inner work that brings words to the surface, she lets you know that time is ticking in it, and you have to go ...

- Veronica, when you look into the past today, can you remember what you dreamed and dreamed of in your youth?

- There were no special dreams ... (Long pause. Remembers.) Then I just left the music school, a little freedom came, and I rushed to the books. A beautiful life seemed to be, but it was fabulous, like the French literature, which they managed to teach us. We, not indifferent to the language, germinated our dreams from books. I didn't need anything, except ... Except for a house as a castle, vassals as friends, children as a flock and ... music and books - and more of this. Everything seemed to me simple and real, like in the Middle Ages. Then, of course, life shook everything and corrected it.

- Did your first love inspire you to poetry or did they coincide?

- Of course, at the age of fourteen a boy appeared at my place, and at the age of fifteen it was already a boy of about twenty, and at sixteen the boy was already about thirty. This bouquet brought to life some poetry with easy guitar manipulation.

- But you have been writing and singing for so long that it seems as if you stepped onto the stage right from the school desk. Or maybe it really happened?

- After school I enjoyed my freedom, played the piano, composed, as it were, my own versions of Jeanne d "Arcs, Tristan and Isolde ... And then a wonderful acquaintance happened - in fact, not one, but a whole bunch. There was such a magical woman - Alexandra Veniaminovna Azarkh is a wonderful classical Moscow old woman with the beauty of a witch. She lived on the present Myasnitskaya, and for me it was the hearth of my childhood, I adored these places. My aunt brought me to this wonderful old woman, and there I sang my first songs. People were there. various - artistic and theatrical, there was a kind of window into another life, from this window they nodded warmly, extended their hands. And very quickly, some weeks later, I met my brother's friend - now a member of the Israeli Knesset, Yuri Stern, and he became my warm friend for many years.

Yura introduced me to Volodya Berezhkov, Alik Mirozoyan, Viktor Luferov - also a kind of creative bouquet of our company. It really happened very quickly - in the first fall after graduation.

Volodya Berezhkov took me by the hand and led me to a literary association, led by the then legendary Moscow poet Edmund Iodkovsky, the author of the immortal hymn of the virgin lands: "We, friends, are going to distant lands, we will become new settlers, both you and me!" He was an extremely kind cultured person, disposed to lead such a literary association of very diverse people, but terribly talented. There, from 17 to 20 years old, I saw a flower bed of wonderful Moscow people, very gifted, absolutely no power and state power of not kind people. And I leaned against them.

“However, you turned out to be married. Did it interfere with creativity, did it distract you?

- No, what are you! There were some months of small shocks of the young woman's soul, but in general everything was funny and romantic, with some kind of cold showers, hot convulsions. No, poetry did not leave me. I went through the first shocks, then entered the second and third, and at the same time relied on poetry.

I have been married for a very long time, it's even strange to talk about it. I got married at 19 and am still permanently in this state, without regaining consciousness ... But at 20, in 1976, it was probably the year of some kind of flowering, I got into the first art song contest. The jury included Bulat Okudzhava, I remember the faces of Valentin Nikulin and Gennady Gladkov - there was such a compositional faction. And the competition was extremely poetic and interesting. I was terribly awkward, angular, and besides, I had bilateral pneumonia. But there I, swaying with weakness, nevertheless sang my Jeanne d'Arc. This is what I had in reserve and which looked different than a tourist song or an apology for male friendship, which was always sung. This is how I performed and even I took, I don’t remember exactly, it seems, third place. This contributed and accompanied the fact that then for a year and a half - and not only in the company - I gradually performed on small stages. And then offers fell, and I began to perform a lot, starting from 1977 - 1978. I had a rare day free.

As for family life ... I remember how in school they explained about the pros and cons, and in biology about the female and male. Yes, my grandfather was a famous physiologist, and my relatives are all medical. It seemed to me natural and natural to live in a man's society, and it still seems so. It seems to me that coexisting in pairs is somehow more fun.

- Despite the fact that you learned family traditions early, you also gained personal experience and, probably, rejected something from the experience of youth. For example, have you learned not to forgive men?

- I am absolute forgiveness. And what can you not forgive? You see, we were born in a very unmerciful country, perhaps not the worst of its cities. Moreover, one of the discoveries of being in this country, city and in this time is becoming more terrible. How my friend Volodya Berezhkov sang so simply and truly: "Then it was necessary to live, who knew that it would be worse further."

Youth builds some kind of castles, but does not realize that it will simply get worse further. In every way. And if everything around is so terrible and a person passes through such millstones, then he has no choice but to be merciful towards his loved ones.

- Does your forgiveness give your loved ones a reason to sit on your neck? Are you strict with them? Do you sometimes put your own people in their place, when suddenly hearing and taste turn on?

- No, no, I'm bad with that. Perhaps I sometimes make a very monumental impression on someone, and on someone even demonic. I'm afraid that neither one nor the other is in me and I don't really have many pretty defensive facets. I would like to be simpler and softer. I am an endless connoisseur of softness in absolutely everything - in colors, in intonations, in language, in manners. True, leisurely is often located next to softness, but I am not a connoisseur of this thing. I love literally something instant - instant coffee, quick soup. For as long as I can remember, it ticks terribly inside me. Since it is ticking, firstly, I am a little afraid that one day it will explode; secondly, it worries me both night and day - what is ticking. And I cannot do something leisurely, and I treat people who are leisurely from distrust to rejection. And I love softness terribly.

- You have four children. Did you expect something from them, did you want something, or did you just have a child, and that is wonderful in itself?

- So ... So ... I suppose ten years ago I would have answered something different, but twenty years - quite different. Now what can I say to this? And I don’t know, I don’t know ... I wanted children as adepts, as close people, to settle them next to me and not part as long as possible. But now the first one has separated from me, and I treat it with humility.

But, you know, I didn’t expect anything from them, otherwise I would have turned their arms around, would have worn their withers, and flattened their noses. But I can’t do any of this. On the contrary, children are very safe, immune and in action. And what am I going to fiddle with?

- Did it turn out, as you dreamed, to become friends with children, close people?

- It's not my business to summarize. I love them very much, very devoted to them. And what is the name of what is between us, I do not know. I think I am very germinating in them, and there are many dangers in this. Everything is a little phantom here. And these attempts to create a profession out of nothing, and create almost prosperity, and from this prosperity create a large author's version for children: this is such a city, such a country, such a state, and you study well, be a human being, respect your elders, love your younger ones. .. And then what will happen? Nobody knows what will happen. It seems to me that my children - I speak about this with caution, with extreme caution - each feel good in their own way and priorities in life are close to mine.

But a number of things are wild to me - such universal human standards that have filled our life in recent years. Someone teaches their children management, and someone, excuse me, marketing, and someone gives their children to any kind of jurisprudence, or literally to international law ... That's horror, in my opinion.

- What do you see in this awful?

- No comment, as some have gotten used to talking now ... It is horror in my eyes. So how?! Your child may adopt an unheard of faith and become an adherent of an unheard of faith. This is his business. And if you, as a parent, push him somewhere, it's bad. So let any of my children learn anything and serve whatever they want, but I'm terrified of how some parents program their children. If my children read books, read music, adore theater and cinema, I don't need anything else.

- You talk a lot about children, but you have never mentioned the role of the father in their life.

- A quote has been sitting in me for a long time: "The best thing a father can do in raising children is to love their mother." This is a very strong side of the issue, and it is very important. My children saw it. Now I have a second husband, but it doesn't matter what kind of person he is. The man who lives with me is my other half. I would like the person to be good with me, that's all.

- Did you have difficulties with children when you got married again?

- There were no difficulties. But it was necessary to do so to reduce the severity of the injury. I was very worried about this, I was very concerned about this. And I did it.

- Veronica, do you use the experience of your parents in your educational moments, or do you tell them that living in our time is scary?

- I'm not saying it's scary. In fact, I choose other words. But we live harshly, to be sure. My mom and dad, too, were not particularly fond of our entire environment. But I was not taught to bristle a lot - they just asked me to study well, if possible, they taught me music, language. Dad and Mom, as they could, were friends with me, but because of their busyness they spent very little time with me. There were no instructions - they were brought up exclusively on their own example: books, theater, an infinitely caring attitude towards each other. This is what my parents had and now exists with me.

- You went through three transitional ages with your children of different ages. Obviously, it was difficult, and some special knowledge and understanding were needed for all this to pass painlessly.

- No, no, I don't know, everything is intuitive, everything is by ear. I write poetry by ear, music by ear. It was not for nothing that we loved radio shows so much in childhood, and a little later, nursing the children at home, I loved Theater at the Microphone very much. According to hearing, I also raised children. Of course, in the transitional age there was something unpleasant, but I did not allow myself that in our relationship we looked beyond that line, because of which it would be difficult to return to a warm and interesting relationship. All the bright disagreements - there were three or five of them - I remember, I remember them completely in a self-destructive light. I had to teach myself all restraint and care for children. Otherwise, "further - silence." And if you want to continue to communicate with children, to find a common language and not allow yourself to be quiet, then you need to handle the words extremely carefully.

- You know, it has long become a sad rule for us to raise children without fathers with living fathers. Could you grow your own without a father?

- How do I know? What do you! I have no idea. Don't ... I don't think so. It seems to me that the life of children is very decorated with a male society. But the devil only knows ... Probably there are such orchards where children bloom without this watering. I don't know ... I think a man is needed for balance. As Nina Sadur wrote: "A man is good for health."

- You are a very independent woman in every sense, and in the sense of making money too. No stress with your husband about this?

- We do not have this competition, and this is out of the question - my husband is also engaged in quite artistic things - he makes films, and when he does not shoot, he rests. What kind of competition can there be? The children are mostly mine - I do what I want. And I want to feed them, dress them, carry them, teach them - I have always wanted and I continue to want them. My husband is quite consistent with my humble desires in this world. Well, a little more money - a little less ... I am generally simple in these matters, I am not a businesswoman. I am an absolute handicraftsman - I trained a pair of boots, went to the corner and sold them. For example, I prepared five songs and I feel that two of them are a little brighter than the others. And in total there are five of them - this is the question of shoe swing. Damn it, think I'm sitting? Ten more - and there will be a new disc. That's all I do. Well, what kind of competition can there be?

- Well, when do you have time to play with four children? What do your poems and songs grow out of?

- From any time of the day or night ... It is advisable to support some ears on the crown. I have now begun to speak less aloud and to myself about electrification, which was once extremely conducive. Now she scares me - you just fall into a coma when this state comes. I'm not talking about falling in love, but about psychophysical tests when they fall out. Now we must beware, well, at least for the sake of the children. Those ears on the top of my head that I used to support are gone. But there are others. I conjure in the mornings and evenings, when there is strength, I conjure very much over the moment when the hand hurries to the paper. Here I hold my breath, so it is a thrill.

- Who is your audience today? He is obviously quite different from that of Zemfira, for example?

- Of course, completely different, but some kind of border passes. I greet Zemfira, and my children love to listen to her. But, of course, I'm a little different. We were much less musical, much less expressive. They are much more biased in terms of the text, both politically and socially. To whom God gave a poetic gift, naturally, the songs were more poetic. But the social burden of these songs and this style of singing with the guitar was, of course, in the first place.

But, of course, such a kingdom of dullness that came in the 90s, we did not feel and did not suppose, as we could not suppose many other things. But I am deeply indifferent to the stage. I live with books. I feed my gut with poetry.

- Is your husband a fan of your songs?

- I would say - without fanaticism, when it is necessary, he listens. You see, this is already an adult marriage - it is an adult. I can take him to Sretenka, where I was born, to my friends. And somewhere he will lead me with a firm hand. And I don't take anyone to my concerts - whoever can, he will come by himself, someone close will come, and someone will stay at home to wash the dishes. If it doesn't wash it, I'll do it myself. I am very liberal here.

- But your children, naturally, are the first listeners and connoisseurs?

- Not the first and not the last. Why on earth should they be interested in this? I have a lot of mistakes in my upbringing, and this one too - we don't have a very strong respectful background towards me. This was not very welcomed in the house and developed. Sometimes it hurts me, but they have their own loves, their own attachments - and let them. They are definitely not fans of my work, but that's what certainly doesn't bother me at all. Let them be fans of whoever they want: Kafka, Eko, Tsvetaeva ... Why should they love me? Let them look narrowly ... I don't need anything else.

You see, children are already adults. The eldest - Anton - has already written a dissertation on children's books, writes essays, reviews and does various other things. The middle one - Oleg - is in a theater school, and now he is on vacation, and he is shooting cartoons. Asya writes something of her own and writes it down. Three or four years ago, they somehow united and played some kind of music, including in public. Now they rarely do this, but sometimes you can stumble upon some of their entreprise. And in even more distant times we played together in a puppet theater. Children play in different ways and, which is very important, not under my leadership.

I am very anti-totalitarian, I am against any kind of iron hands, any kind of monuments, very much against idolization. And yet I am very careful about the important, the main things in myself and I try to germinate in children.

- You started writing and singing your songs when there were already such superstars as Kim, Vizbor, Vysotsky, Okudzhava ... Did you stand nearby or apart?

- I had a kind of long-term relationship with Okudzhava - in some ways they were on duty and mysterious, in some ways very formal and complicated. Due to life circumstances, they got a little confused. But on my part, it was always - without groveling - very bright and painful love. And from his side there was such a glance from above - in other years it was very indifferent, later more indifferent. Well, what can you do?

I did not know Vysotsky, although 1980 was a borderline year. We had a friendship with the playwright Oleg Osetinsky, whose script was launched at a children's film studio. Years have passed, but I remember that in this scenario there was such a small sidekick - a seasoned man leads a girl with him to the tower to the spire - what do you think? - a high-rise Stalinist building. Here's a story in a confined space with some kind of relationship. Vysotsky was supposedly sentenced to the main role, and I had already written a song for the girl. In August 1980, we were supposed to meet, but we didn't get the chance ...

I was well acquainted with Vizbor, and I felt his terrible charm and friendliness in my lifetime, and the bitterness of loss ...

With Kim I am friends and on friendly terms to this day. And I am happy that he is alive and well. After all, we are all already slightly outgoing natures.

Once upon a time I really wanted intra-shop corporate relations, but I never knew them. I lived and live in work by myself.

Margarita RYURIKOVA

The material used photographs: Yuri FAYNBERG, Mark STEINBOK, Viktor Goryachev

Ecology of life: Children, like sponges, absorb from mom and dad the model of family relationships, as well as possible roles. Subconsciously. You can tell them anything you want, say how it should be. But the girl, looking at the attitude of the dad to the mother, will remember what kind of attitude she herself deserves from her future husband, how dependent in the family or how free in her choices and actions. The boy will also mirror all this - how to relate to his wife, what is the role of the husband, etc.

The comments were different, but the following opinion was closest to me: “For a complete family for love, yes. But I have seen families where they do not get divorced only so as not to “injure the child”. Mbetween parents - politeness and cost-effective interaction. Dad is gentle to children, affectionate, he does not like a soul in them, but they observe a completely crooked pattern of intra-family relations.I have doubts about their future attempts to build their own families. As a result of such a father, I cannot call a wonderful father, because under the slogan of care and love, children are taught to live in falsehood and dislike. "

It really is. Children, like sponges, absorb from mom and dad the model of family relationships, as well as possible roles. Subconsciously. You can tell them anything you want, say how it should be. But the girl, looking at the attitude of dad to mom, will remember what kind of attitude she herself deserves from her future husband, how she can be treated and how not, how much a woman should be immersed in the family and how much is given to her personal space, how dependent in the family or how free she is in her choices and actions. The boy will also mirror all this - how to relate to his wife, what is the role of the husband, etc.

The childhood family model is a certain “comfort zone” for an adult.... This does not at all mean that a person feels good in it (as well as that he feels bad there).

Comfort zone - it is rather an ordinary model of the relationship between mom and dad, which entered the subconscious in deep childhood.

Periodically, a person tries to return to it already in his own family. This often happens during a relationship crisis. Perhaps at this moment, the model of the childhood family manifests itself most vividly. Remember the sharp points of the relationship, if any, analyze their reasons, as well as the reactions and actions of each of the spouses. I think you will find many parallels with the families in which you and your husband grew up.

The crisis is overcome by those who are able to get out of the comfort zone, revise and reevaluate their views, and learn new communication skills.

As for the situation when parents live together for the sake of their children. If parents do not love each other, but nevertheless take care of their children wonderfully, the children still read the emotional coldness and alienation of mom and dad, the lack of connection between them, the lack of parental interest in each other, the “every man by himself” model. This will be their comfort zone - what they will consider subconsciously acceptable, as well as what in the future they may struggle with, what they will overcome.

It will be interesting for you:

Therefore ... “The best thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother,” “A husband should treat his wife the way he wants his son-in-law to treat his daughter,” and yes, “A good father is first of all a good husband. " Is not it so?published

From the first ultrasound shot to the first day at university, parenting can be the most challenging but also the most enjoyable job in the world. If you ask parents to list the TOP 5 priorities for their children, "happiness" will be at the top of most lists. So what can we do in this cruel and depressing world so that our children grow up to be truly happy people?

Here are 30 simple tips from the world's leading psychologists to help your children become not only happy, but also successful personalities in the future.

1. Listen to your child

Listening to a child means making eye contact without interrupting and not waiting for your turn to express your own opinion. In fact, listen to what your child wants to say so that you have real dialogue. Use your time in the car or while eating to listen to your children with an open mind.

2. Asking your child questions

"What are you thinking about?".

"Why did this happen?"

"What pleasant thing happened during the day today?"

"What do you think it tastes like?" ...

Instead, ask them questions like "how would YOU like to do this?" or "how do YOU \u200b\u200bfeel about it?"

4. Not making a lesson out of every conversation

If you try to teach your children all the time, it instills in them a sense of inferiority and powerlessness.

5. Make mistakes when children are watching

Perseverance allows us to make lemonade out of lemon, or get back on the bike after falling 10 times in a row. Children learn more from example than from your words. If you want them to believe mistakes are part of development, they need to see you burn your dinner or fall off the skateboard.

One of the most powerful ways to demonstrate this to your child is when you make parenting mistakes. Let's say you lose your composure and start screaming. Instead of hoping they'll forget your frustration, say, “I don't want to yell at you when I'm upset. I'm sorry. Even moms make mistakes. ”

6. Teach your child to cook food

This skill will make your child happy from day one at university and help save a decent amount of money.

7. Teach a child to seek information when he does not know the answer

If your child does not know something, do not rush to help him. Instead of saving your time and instantly suggesting the correct answer, let him find the information he needs on his own. Thus, the child will learn to rely on his own strength. And this is the most useful skill in adulthood.

8. Teach your child to clean

You should not shift household responsibilities onto children. Teach your child to clean by helping or sharing responsibilities. Let the hard work (vacuuming and cleaning the floor) remain yours, and leave dusting to your child. Thus, in the future, he will not dislike this process or call you exploiters. By maintaining order in the house, he will maintain order in his life.

9. Thank the child for any help provided

A simple “thank you” will teach your child to be grateful and respectful for other people's work. In addition, he will begin to appreciate his own work, which in the future will build the foundation for a successful career.

10. Teaching children to be grateful

Gratitude is the fastest way to happiness. Research from the University of Berkeley has demonstrated the effect of gratitude on personal wealth. If children are grateful for what they already have in life, they are more likely to be happy. Start by sharing your best moments of the day, or say what you are grateful for every time you sit down to a family dinner.

11. Play with your child

“We don't stop playing because we are getting old; we get old because we stop playing. " The best part of childhood is playing games. Show the children how to climb trees. Dress up as superheroes together. Drink tea or dance until you drop. The crazier the games, the better. Happy children often laugh.

12. Telling your child that you enjoy spending time with him

This will demonstrate to your child that you are not spending time with him because of what he asks or it is your parental duty, but because he is an interesting little person.

13. Spending time with children on the street

No matter where you live, you can go out into nature. A walk in the fresh air boosts your mood and provides time when you are truly focused on the activities together. Whether it's hiking, biking, swimming, or just walking your dog, nature can help relieve stress. Research shows that outdoor walks can help children grow up healthy and strong, enhance imagination and focus, reduce aggression, and increase productivity.

14. Watch birds and other animals together

Teach your child to love and respect nature from early childhood. Let him know that he is only a small cog in the huge mechanism of the planet. People who care about the environment and feel at one with nature are much happier than indifferent ordinary people.

15. Teaching children compassion for others

Teaching a child to be compassionate for oneself and others is an unconditional demonstration of love. Show your children how to be empathetic and caring. Do charity work and help other people together.

16. Teaching children self-compassion

If you say “I don’t love you” as a punishment for bad behavior, it will make the child believe that when he acts in a certain way, he is not worthy of your love. According to expert Thomas Gordon, it is best to avoid saying "if you loved me, you would not do this." Never attach your love to children's actions and behaviors so that they learn to love themselves.

17. Tell your child about his unconscious childhood

Be sure to tell your child about how he was as a child: about his favorite games, the first words, how you chose his name, about little pranks and quirks.

18. Tell about yourself at his age

Tell about yourself not only positive, but also negative moments, so as not to develop complexes in your child, as if he is worse than his parents. Talk more about your common features.

19. Tell about your family

In order for a child to start appreciating his loved ones and family ties from childhood, tell him about all the little things: about how his grandparents met, how his parents met, who all family members work, their hobbies and interests, about your favorite films and books ... Thus, the child will begin to form for himself a stereotype of a normal and happy family, which, of course, he will try to reproduce in his future.

20. Talk about plans for the future

Be sure to share your plans and dreams so that your child learns to set their own goals, albeit small ones, and achieve them on their own. If a child wants to get a bike, let him try to save money on his own, even if you have the opportunity to buy it right now. Let him feel the thrill of achieving a dream. Then the child will appreciate this bike much more and will know that everything in life can be obtained if you make an effort.

21. Praising children often

All people have a negative side. We remember bad things a lot more than good things. In fact, behind negative emotions such as anger and fear, there are stronger and more positive ones - hope, inspiration and joy. Carol Dweck's research showed that to counteract this, we must praise the child seven times when he hears something negative about him. That way, when things go wrong, you can point out how wonderful and wise things your little one has done in the past.

22. Do not forbid the child to do something, but do it together

As you well know, actions are much more effective than words. If you forbid the child to climb the hill, in most cases, he will still climb there. So take his hand and go down the hill together. By doing this, you will demonstrate your parental support, which in the future will play an important role in the life of your child.

23. Make small surprises

Bring your child a small chocolate bar or balloon from time to time. These should be inexpensive, small and not too frequent surprises so as not to spoil your little one.

24. Spread breakfast in the shape of a smile

This little morning ritual will set you in a good mood for the whole day. It’s also a clever way to distract your child’s attention from food they don’t really like.

25. Smiling when a child enters the room or wakes up

The child is your joy, so it doesn't matter what your mood is: when the child enters the room, always smile. If he sees joy on your face, he will be sure what is the reason for your great mood. And people with high self-esteem are always the happiest.

26. Show love for children

Of course, this means that you should hug your child, kiss, hold his hand. Also, show hugs and kisses with your partner so that children develop a certain pattern of behavior in their relationships with loved ones. And do not forget to tell your child more often: “I love you”, “I love you, no matter what,” “I love it when you get angry or do nasty things.”

27. Develop a secret code

For example, when you hold your child's hand and suddenly squeeze it 3 times - this is a secret code that means "I love you."

28. Help children control their emotions

The prefrontal cortex is one of the areas of the brain that is most sensitive to parenting. This is the area that deals with emotional regulation. If your child wants a cookie before dinner and you say no, most children will try to use cute eyes and a thin voice. If it doesn't work, they start whining. And if they don't get the cookie anyway, they start screaming. If you give them a cookie, you teach them that screaming is the way to get what they want. If you're worried when your child is upset or disappointed, he or she will learn to feel anxious about you instead of a balanced emotional norm. Always try to talk to your child and do not be led by tantrums and screams.

29. Teach children to take care of their own needs

Our job as parents is ultimately to teach children how to take care of their own needs. The sooner a child begins to feel successful in self-care, the better. We are so worried about all the things that can go wrong that we sometimes make it impossible for our kids to try. Start with simple things. How many times have you applied toothpaste to your child's brush when he is quite capable of doing it himself? These simple steps will transform a happy child into a happy and successful adult.

30. Letting kids make mistakes and mistakes

Happy kids know they can handle all of the challenges. They learned this by getting off at the wrong bus stop or pouring milk too quickly. According to child psychologist Joanne Dick, children feel supported the first time they do something wrong, so they try more often. It helps to instill problem-solving skills. The ability to think outside the box depends more on education than on natural data. When children learn this type of thinking during childhood, it ensures their success in adulthood.

What secrets of raising children do you know?

The upbringing of a quality person is 80% dependent on the behavior of parents, starting with their living example and ending with the common truths that they must convey to their children. All people know this, but not everyone understands and does.

This material can be heard in audio dubbing. Click on the video to listen to the article.

Jonas Harrysson is a teacher with many years of experience who understands parents and children well at the same time. In his 16 years of working with children in an educational institution, he noticed a terrible trend in children's behavior during schooling. His actions over the past five years have changed dramatically: from reading out the guilty to encouraging diligent students, but there was practically no result. And after five years of attempts and painful failures, he realized that the problems of this kind of upbringing lie deep in the family relationships of the student. Harrison is an advanced person, using Facebook, he tried to convey to parents the following 3 thoughts that will make their children better.

Thought number 1. Children do not like boredom, it is for them the greatest punishment and test.

Think of yourself as a child, you ran tirelessly around the yard looking for something else to do. Do you think modern children are somehow different? No. But if you artificially generate fun for the child all the time, he gets used to such a device and will demand the same behavior from teachers. But we know that at school you need to do completely different things, right? You shouldn't spoil them forever and do “Fun” for them, let them get bored sometimes.

Thought number 2. You shouldn't teach children before school age.

The thought is, of course, terrible for people of the times of the USSR, since it is a great pride if their child, already in the first grade, has mastered multiplication or raising to a power. But this is not so important for the formation of the child's personality and finding his place in society. It is better to direct your energies to learning the skills of friendship and mutual assistance. Children are the most bloody, selfish and terrible creatures (from the point of view of public life, since they are not taught these very rules of life). It is better to try to teach the child to share with others, to accept rejection and censure from other people. Weaning them off being selfish and greedy is much more useful and will better affect their ability to absorb school material, says Harrison. It is also worth explaining to the child the principles of friendship and camaraderie, so it will be easier for him in the team, which will also increase the efficiency in the class.

Thought number 3 is the main and the most significant one. Teach children to appreciate everything they have: both good and bad, and most importantly, be grateful for it.

Of course, explaining to a child the principles that everything bad is only fortunate is stupid. However, teaching children to thank people, instead of asking for more, or complaining "Why am I less than him?" Teaching children to be kinder to the world is the main task of parents, and not "take everything from life"! Especially at a young age. Over time, the child will understand this himself, but, firstly, such a lesson is much more valuable than the words that you cram into his head, and secondly, it will be the child's choice: to follow these principles or not. The best that parents can do is not to indulge their child in everything, but to be able to firmly refuse. The child should understand that while you decide when he will watch TV and when not. For a child, humility is the quality that will help him become a successful person in the future.

All good things should be formed in childhood, since it is at this time that the child absorbs information like a sponge, and he will be taught everything bad later. And life itself will do it better than you can imagine.

As you can see, all childhood problems are rooted in the problems of the parents. Do not be indifferent to the fate of your children. Happy education!