“Nobody owes anything to anyone” is the main rule of life. Nobody owes you anything Phrase nobody owes anything to anyone

"No one owes nothing to nobody!" - I said thirty years ago in the book "How to relate to yourself and to people: practical psychology for every day." Since then, an equal number of people have sent me both fiery gratitude for this position, which gave them wisdom and peace of mind, and no less fire-breathing claims from those who began to think so, treat people in this way and, as a result, ruined their lives.

I quote the original source:

I wake up early in the morning, I need to get ready quickly: I'm flying on a business trip. I understand that I don't have time: my things are not yet collected, but it would be nice to have breakfast. My wife is lying, but she could probably get up and help me ... I am already ready to express my reproaches to her, but immediately I stop myself: “Does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? No, but if you want her to get up and help you, what should you do? - ... It's good to ask her: so that she wants to help you. " And if she gets up and does everything, what will the husband have to tell her? - Thanks. And if he doesn't get up ("I didn't get enough sleep, the child didn't let him sleep all night"), what should the husband do? At least not to be offended, and maybe apologize for the concern.

I wonder if the wives would like them to have such husbands? - A husband who will always turn to her only kindly, will never reproach, but will thank her from a pure heart for her help and care? Yes, many dream of such a husband. But, probably, then husbands would like them to have such wives. Imagine: the husband goes home - and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! Why swear, because he doesn't owe her anything. And for the good is always grateful.

Yes, my husband just came home - this is already a gift. The appearance of the husband home is a real family holiday!

Cool ... So I made a gift for those husbands who dragged themselves home with a drink and announced to their wife that now they have a holiday! It seems that my long-standing mistake is that I always focus on decent people. I am always surrounded by very worthy and decent people, I am used to this environment and somehow, it seems, I forget that the majority of Russians live much more diversely. I write articles, assuming that people around you are as beautiful and worthy as those around me - and this is not always the case?

So, everything is a little more complicated. Shall we figure it out?

If you need to ask for help, don't let the thought "Nobody owes anyone anything" stop you. Yes, no one should help you, but many will help you with joy: not because they should, but because they treat you well. You yourself, too, are often ready to help, although it seems that you should not? If you use the slogan “I don’t owe anyone anything” in order not to care for anyone and not to be responsible for anything, then this is also, as the accountants formulate, “misuse”. A real man should have his business, and you are responsible for your business. Only small children and adults with the psychology of a child avoid responsibility, while it is an honor for a strong and decent person to take on and be responsible for many things.

"Nobody owes anything to anyone" is about something else.

It all starts from childhood. Once we were small, our parents took care of us. Moreover, for us it was so natural that we put into our subconscious mind that someone should take care of us, should respond to our needs and respond when we feel bad. This is what my mother did, and we decided that the whole world should behave this way ...

Isn't that funny?

There is a whole area in psychology, called cognitive-behavioral therapy, the main feature of which is that they explain to their clients over and over again that they are no longer children and believe that they, adults, are owed something by their friends, children. , neighbors and the government are already unreasonable. Inadequate. They have long boring conversations on each specific issue, it is useful, but it seems even simpler and more reasonable (at least for reasonable people) to agree at once with a package: "Childhood is over. And today no one owes us adults anything."

So? Did you agree?

But then this magic word sounded: "agreed". Adults know what agreements are. And if you have agreed on something, then now you already have something - you must. What we have agreed on, we must. And if you haven’t agreed yet, then this is your concern - agree.

Let's look at an example. Suppose a husband wants his wife to iron his shirts. You are a husband. Right off the bat: do you have clear agreements that oblige your wife to iron your shirts? For some reason, I assume that you do not have such agreements. Most likely, you have certain traditions and the established order of things, according to which your wife usually does this, if you did not quarrel with her. So - there are no clear agreements, no responsibilities. Your wife should not iron your shirt. Not required. But if you ask in advance and kiss her on the cheeks beforehand, I'm sure she will iron your shirts. And even with pleasure. Moreover, she also addresses you with requests, and it is better for loved ones to be useful to each other.

I'm not even talking about love now. Love does not fall from the sky (at least, you cannot count on it for a long time), but if you have created and support it, your wife will take care of your shirts herself, and iron them not just, but with pleasure. Just create that kind of relationship! This is the job. Can you handle it?

And the last topic is perhaps the most difficult: the topic of exactingness. Warm relationships begin with interest, desire and love, but continue (for smart people) with format and exactingness. You may know within yourself that "Nobody owes anything to anyone," but if you care about long-term relationships and maintaining decency, then you will definitely take care of the format.

Hurry up, the format is easy to establish at the beginning of a relationship and much more difficult later. When a man takes care of a woman, at first he is ready for a lot and it is easy to "build" him. Golden time! As long as the girl is carried away, she also lends itself to formatting. Later - no longer. After - discussion, disassembly, training, which is always longer and more difficult. The format of the relationship must be set initially: it does not matter if it is about jealousy, rudeness, or egocentrism.

The same with children. If you have allowed the children to respond with disgruntled "Well now!" to your request, then after some time you will encounter obvious disrespect for you. You are obliged to educate them, because agree with them that if mom asks, the children do. When and if you convince them that they really should treat their parents with respect, I congratulate you, you have done a great job. And if this is not yet, do not get angry, children are not obliged to immediately meet your expectations. Nobody promised you an easy life.

Note, I am not saying anything about the prohibition to be angry with children loudly. If suddenly sometime it will be appropriate and add weight to your words - great, in the performance of smart people everything is good, if only it would lead to good, not crooked results. You can tell them that they owe it, but that is a suggestion for them, not a belief for you. If you instilled this in them and they believed you, became obligatory and responsible people - you are great. If not yet and continue to believe that all household chores do not concern them, that they do not owe anything to anyone, do not worry. The world has no obligation to provide you with well-bred children, you got the usual wild. Inside yourself - smile, thank the world for the gift in the form of children, and again - for the upbringing process!

Knowing "Nobody owes me anything" is the protection of your soul. But when you look at children, think about something else: “How should they grow up? What can I do for this?” And - go ahead! Do not humble yourself ahead of time! You can do a lot! Don't give up!

Video from Yana Happiness: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A fairy tale that would not have been better. Pay for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.

In my practice of working with women leaders, the most frequent requests are related to restoring work-home balance, resilience to stress in the workplace and improving relationships (with both colleagues and family members). And most often the conversation begins with the words: "You see, I must ..." or "And I think that he must, and then I ..." or "... They must, but ...".

How often do we hear that we owe something? And how often do we ourselves say that someone owes us something? And how often do we keep silent but think so? My practice shows that quite often. We expect something from other people, considering it quite natural that “a real man should” or “a real woman should”. We often see that we become codependent in relationships with other people or people become dependent on us, our energy and strength. We hear that you, "as a leader, must" or you, "as a real daughter, mother, wife, must ...".

Most often, such demands only cause irritation, discontent and even protest. Where do the statements that we owe and owe us come from? And why is the statement “no one owes anything to anyone” good?

Any belief appears in a person based on his condition and life experience. When we talk about the state of a person, we mean a set of properties that are characteristic of this person: state of health, emotional background (mental state), spiritual state, etc. Based on his state, a person gains one or another experience, is able to perceive and realize what is happening to him. States characterize the person himself as a person (physically, mentally, spiritually), what he brings to the people around him and what he expects from them.

I distinguish three complex states in which a person can be - these are dependence, independence and independence. I'll tell you more about the first and, perhaps, the most unhealthy of them.

Addiction- this is a certain obsessive need that prompts a person to certain non-free actions. There are simple and understandable dependencies - for example, on chemicals (alcohol, tobacco, food, drugs), on systems of relationships or sensations (sex, various kinds of extreme, "adrenaline" relationships), etc. From birth and throughout childhood , adolescence, adolescence, we get used to the fact that most of our needs are met by the external environment. The states of addiction are absolutely natural for us, it is from the cradle of addiction that we begin our journey. Then we grow up and quite naturally believe that it is okay to satisfy our needs at the expense of the external environment. We got used to it from birth. Although the external environment for some reason in most cases no longer agree with us. But since we are accustomed and our needs have always been met by our environment, our beliefs come into play. It turns out that "we are owed": "a real man must ..." or "a real woman must ...", "a wife must ...", "a husband must" ... This list can be continued for a long time. And with surprise, which turns into bewilderment, and sometimes into bitterness of disappointment, we begin to see that not everyone and not always answer us to our "you must".

Over time, you may get the feeling that every year it is more and more difficult to live, and there is less and less joy. At these moments, addictions begin to be felt by a person more and more sharply. Emotional addiction - “Do you love me? No, do you really love? Tell me, do you really love me? " Intellectual addiction - such people begin to surround themselves with a staff of advisers, harass their acquaintances, constantly asking for advice on any occasion. One of the most severe forms of dependence, in my opinion, is codependency, or interdependence - this is a painful state of social, emotional, sometimes even physical dependence of one person on another or two people on each other. There is no love in these relationships, but there are painful “must”, “must”, “how else?”.

For addicted people, often changing self-esteem is characteristic, and more often in the direction of underestimation, self-dislike, sometimes up to hatred, often a feeling of guilt. Such people tend to suppress their anger, which leads to outbursts of uncontrollable aggression. Along with this, addicted people (which is especially characteristic of codependency) tend to focus on others, control them, compulsively offer their help, often ignoring their needs. Codependent people are characterized by so-called "frozen" feelings - this is a state when almost all emotional experiences are removed from life together, emotions in such pairs are "frozen". As a result of all of the above, addicted people experience severe problems in communicating with other people and in intimate life, isolation, depression, up to suicidal thoughts. Also, addicted people naturally increase the risk of psychosomatic diseases.

Therefore, the first step towards the formation of human integrity can be the understanding that “no one owes anything to anyone”. A holistic, free, harmonious person does something for another, proceeding from his desire and not expecting anything in return. Accordingly, we, as holistic and harmonious people, perceive the actions of another in relation to us as a gift, and not as a duty or obligation.

Christmas is coming soon, and I have a problem again: I don't know what to give you. I know that you are interested in a lot - books, games, dresses.

I want to give you something that will stay with you for a long time - much longer than usual. Something that will remind me of me every Christmas.

And I seem to know what I can give you. One simple truth that did not immediately reveal itself to me. And if you understand it now, it will improve your life many times over. And you will not have to face problems that affect people who have never heard of this truth.

It's simple: Nobody owes you anything.

What does it mean?

How could such a simple statement be important at all? You may not think so yet, but this statement will literally save your life. No one lives for you, my child. Because you are you and no one else. Everyone lives for himself, for his own happiness. And the sooner you understand this, the faster you will get rid of the expectation that someone can make you happy.

This means that no one is obliged to love you. And if someone loves you, it is because there is something special about you that makes them happy. Try to understand what this feature is, and strengthen it so that you will be loved even more. And if people do something for you, it is because they want to. So, for some reason you are dear to them and they want to please you. But not because someone owes you something for nothing.

This means that no one should respect you. And some people won't be kind to you. But once you realize that people don't have to be kind to you, you’ll learn to avoid associating with those who might hurt you. And you, in turn, do not owe them anything.

And again: Nobody owes you anything.

You should become better only for yourself. And in this case, others will reach out to you, want to support you and share what is necessary with you. And someone does not want to be with you, and it will not be about you. And if that happens, just look for the relationship you want. Don't let someone else's problem become yours.

When you understand that the respect and love of others must be earned, you will never wait for the impossible and you will not be disappointed. Others should not share their feelings or thoughts with you. And if they do it, then you deserve it. And you have reason to be proud of the love you receive, and the respect of your friends, and everything that you have earned. But don't take it for granted, because that way you can easily lose everything. They are not yours by right, all this must be earned.

My experience.

It was like a stone fell off my shoulders when I realized that no one owes me anything. Until I thought it was not, I wasted too much effort when I didn't get what I wanted.

No one should just respect me, be friends with me, love, develop me. In the end, my relationship benefited from this - I learned to be with the people I want to be with and to do only what I want to do.

And this understanding gave me friendship, business partners, loved ones, potential clients. It always reminds me that I can get what I want only if I can get through to the other person. I must understand what he feels, what is important to him, what he wants. And only then I myself will understand whether I want to contact this person.

It is not so easy to explain in a few words what I have had to learn over the years. But maybe you will re-read this note every Christmas and its meaning will become clearer.

I hope it will, because this is what you should understand as early as possible: no one owes you anything.

The choices you make are determined by your worldview, but there is no doubt that you do not need to make excuses because of your decisions. Here is a list of things that are your personal business.

Religious and political beliefs

In recent years, the political situation in the world has become increasingly aggravated. People hold diametrically opposed views and become disillusioned with religion. Whether you are a Buddhist, Muslim, Christian, or atheist is your personal choice. You can talk openly about your beliefs or be modest about your position in life. You can cast your vote for the candidate you trust the most - your choice does not require excuses.

Romantic relationship

Don't let other people intrude on your romantic relationship (even if it's close relatives). Only you can feel what kind of person will bring you happiness. You don't have to wait for your friends to approve if you are looking for online dating. You do not need to make excuses to your parents, who have long ago found a "profitable party" for you. Conversely, you don’t need to date someone just because it’s accepted or what others expect from you.

Loneliness

Perhaps the most frequent complaints and complaints are caused by the absence of a romantic partner. Any of your acquaintances older women will not hesitate to ask if you are going to get married when they meet, and will complain that it is time to think about offspring. People say that a woman's "age" is short-lived, and they begin to feel sorry for you if they find out that you are still alone. You are under massive attack, and family values \u200b\u200bare promoted as the only thing to strive for. The people around you feel sorry for you, but in fact you need to feel sorry for them. They don't know that you enjoy the feeling of freedom, and that makes you a truly happy person.

No apology

If a person does not feel such a need, he does not need to apologize for something. Insincerity and routine phrases are akin to mockery of your own soul. Every apology like this is misleading to someone who wants to trust you.

Disagreement

Each of us has an acquaintance or friend who thinks that he is always right. This person considers his opinion to be the ultimate truth and is used to poking his long nose into other people's affairs. He positions himself as an expert on any issue and points out your flaws without a twinge of conscience. You can only be glad that this person is so confident in himself and does not lack self-esteem, but you have every right to express your disagreement with him. Do not shy away from controversy just because it might inconvenience someone. Your opinion should be heard too.

Refusal to gossip

Gossipers are not very favored in groups, but they still try to rule the ball. Some people tend to obsessively plant their own point of view in the minds of those around them, denigrate their acquaintances, invent non-existent facts and manipulate the minds of the masses. They also try to win over allies and ask you to do your part in spreading rumors. If you join the gossip camp, it can affect your reputation. But refusing to spread rumors will play into your hands.

Termination of friendship

Friendship always starts out well, but over time it can become a burden. If you have a buddy who is accustomed to living in a big way and uses you as the person who solves all his problems, it is worth ending this connection. True friendship is like a two-way street. You don't have to be an eternal tug, nanny, or lifeline for anyone. You have your own needs that no one else will satisfy but you. Don't let other people manipulate you and don't feel guilty about ending a friendship.

External appearance

It doesn't matter what color your hair is on your head, whether you're a piercing aficionado or a regular at a tattoo parlor. Your outer appearance is not a subject of discussion with others, as it expresses your inner world. This applies to the style of clothing, the presence or absence of makeup, complexion and other things. If you are comfortable in your body, you should not make excuses for it in front of other people.

Location

Some people do not think of their life outside the bustle of the city, others, on the contrary, like a measured rural existence. Ignore stereotypes and live where your heart tells you. Why do others care why you live with your parents? No one should judge you without understanding the circumstances of your personal life.

Career

If you go to work to make more money, there is nothing wrong with that either. Each of us is free to choose the sphere of our activity without regard to public opinion. You yourself made this choice, weighed all the pros and cons. After all, no one ties you to a certain place for the rest of your days. But if you work in your dream job, you can be called lucky. Even if you do not make a lot of money, your activities are satisfying. Whatever the reason that drives your career, it does not require accountability to others.

Financial position

Regardless of whether you live on one paycheck, buy things on credit or deny yourself a vacation, turn a deaf ear to your friends' jokes about your financial well-being.

The desire to retire

There is a big difference between being alone and suddenly wanting to be alone. Sometimes each of us feels that it is time to put our thoughts in order. You are reading a book, watching your favorite TV series, or simply enjoying the silence with a cup of tea in your hand.

Parenting methods

No family uses the same parenting methods. This is due to the fact that we all belong to different strata of society, have a different culture, material wealth, worldview and temperament. Each of us has a different vision when it comes to interacting with children. There is no one-size-fits-all advice that would suit all parents without exception. This is why other parents cannot judge your parenting practices.

Sex life

It is impossible to understand why people want to know what is going on in the bedroom of neighbors, friends or relatives. The only people who are allowed to discuss your sex life are psychotherapists and sexologists. Ignore the curious, ignore their comments and "valuable" advice.

Life goals

The goal is what inspires you and makes you realize your dream. If anyone has problems with ambition or self-esteem, that's their business. Don't let envious people stand in your way.

Positive attitude

People who always smile and look for positive in everything will surely meet envious people. And let someone equate your positive attitude with abnormal behavior. You know that your views allow you to walk through life with your head held high.